Lung Cancer Research Foundation & Colonoscopy…

I received my official kite for the #Lungcancerresearchfund #LCRF #goflyakite #kitesforacure . I will fly this on June 26th wherever I am.

In case you’re wondering about the tail colors, this is what they stand for:

White: know someone with lung cancer.
Turquoise: lost someone to lung cancer.
Navy: support the fight against lung cancer.
Orange: I have lung cancer.

I still have 4 days left to fundraise…remember: $5.00 gets me, singing a song, in a Christmas Tree costume:)

I had my 1st colonoscopy yesterday. The prep was terrible and I did not feel alive until this morning, however, I do not need a 2nd cancer.

I had no issues…not even a polyp! That’s a good thing! If you are 45 years old and older or have a familial history of colon cancer, please schedule your colonoscopy.

Colonoscopy and Family.

So, I’m doing prep today for a colonoscopy tomorrow…oh yeah!! However, if it saves me from another cancer, I’ll do it!!

You should too if you’re 45 years or older OR you have a family history of it. You’re asleep, so your embarrassment is limited and you won’t feel anything. Don’t let that stop you…do it!

If they had a monitoring program for lungs, I probably wouldn’t be Stage 4.

If this post pushes at least one person to schedule their colonoscopy, then my oversharing has worked 🙂

I AM SO HUNGRY…AND HANGRY 😀

Ventimg moment: The 2 images above are my brother to a tee. I have learned to pretty much ignore him, but Dear God, do that and you get the rage. He lives with me, so I can’t get away from him. My poor husband has to deal with it and I don’t know why he hasn’t divorced me. I’d divorce me if I knew I was letting a person in the house like that, who isn’t going away.

Don’t try to tell him this, then his rage and silent treatment are worse, and he accidentally breaks things (although he’ll tell you he didn’t break/damage it). He can’t take criticism at all.

I listen to him bitch and moan for hours everyday. He asks me how I’m feeling, I try to answer, then he cuts me off with his “bad day”, “idiot people” or “shitty cheap machines”.

My husband and I will be watching a movie and he’ll come busting in, talking about some shit that we either don’t care about or don’t know about.

He needs a tinfoil hat. He gets worried when helicopters fly over our house (we’re in an area with a lot of medical copters and where executives from Merck fly in). He wonders why the township is paving on a Sunday and thinks the government is installing something.

He can’t keep a great paying job with great benefits. He doesn’t own a car. He doesn’t have health insurance. I keep telling him, “you do realize that I have Stage 4 cancer and can die at anytime right? Where are you going to live? What are you going to drive?” He gets mad and doesn’t want to talk about it. I sincerely hope my husband doesn’t let him stay here.

He will not go to a doctor because they are “stupid” and “don’t know anything”, but yet he worries about every little pain.

I am so tired of him. I’m tired of him living here. I’m tired of him always relying on me when he does the wrong thing. I’m tired of the guilt trips he lays on me. I’m tired of being a victim, but I guess I’m not tired enough to throw his ass out.

Thanks for listening to me ❤❤❤

Fundraiser for Lung Cancer Reseach

http://participate.lcrf.org/site/TR/LCRFSignatureEvent/General?px=1811348&pg=personal&fr_id=4116

So, if you donate $5.00, I’ll sing a song of your choice (one minute) in a Christmas Tree costume on video and post it here…as a introvert, this is really hard for me (and I’m scared…lol). It may be really bad singing or really good singing…

Come on my friends…you know you want to see this!!

Family…

Family makes you question your sanity. Prior to cancer, I was the only one (on my side of my nuclear family), that had her shit together. My parents had money problems and my brother has so many problems (but they’re not due to drugs).

This will be about my brother and is really long.

Growing up, he was my brother. We played together, went to school together, and covered each other’s asses when we could. Well, my brother would get in trouble almost all the time. He liked to talk back. My mom told me that even as a baby, he pretty much cried or was angry all the time.

My father was strict and seemed angry all the time. My mother and father did hit us. Mostly on the ass, but with things like hairbrushes and belts.

My parents never really went to our curricular activities. Of course, they were both working a lot. My brother and I were latchkey kids.

As my brother got older, he had issues at public school. He didn’t get along with teachers, never really had friends. My parents had him transferred him out at the Age of 13 to a “special” school. He was the oldest one there and ended up being a mentor to younger kids. Those younger kids were mostly mentally challenged. Remember: this is before ADD, ADHD, etc.. They had no way to fix his issues. After a year, he came out of that school and went to a vocational school. He did very well. He was a very talented welder.

When we were teens, our whole family had been diagnosed with depression. I went to a psychologist for at least a year; my brother went once. Mom and Dad went when they needed.

As a teen, my brother was extremely mouthy and did stuff my parents asked him not too. He was pretty much an asshole. He got in “fist fights” with my Dad…he was always grounded…they were always yelling. My Dad through his video game down the stairs.

I moved out when I was 18 because he and my parents relationship was toxic.

I was happy. Thing is: I didn’t hear from my brother for another 15 to 20 years. To me, he just disappeared and my parents didn’t know where he was either.

Then I get a phone call, he needed a place to live. Well, I was living in a studio department and I didn’t know his history. I found him an apartment and paid the upfront costs and 1 months rent. I got phone calls from him for maybe 3 months.

All of a sudden, I get a call from his landlord. He hasn’t paid rent and he can’t get a hold of him. So, I met the landlord at his apartment and had him let me in. My brother wasn’t there. His shit was there. I told the landlord to throw it all away.

I didn’t hear from my brother again for about 10 years. He had called me crying, saying he was cold, living in his truck (didn’t have heat) in the hospital’s parking lot. So, I moved him into a motel (real shithole) for 2 weeks. I brought him my laptop to find a job and an apartment. He had smoked Marijuana so he had to go at least 30 days before he could get a job. I moved him in with us for a month. He found a job and an apartment.

For 10 years, he was doing okay. Although, he moved 6 times and had just as many jobs. He had to borrow my truck because his broke down.

8 years into that and I’m wondering why I haven’t heard from him and where my truck was. I found it..it was at his last apartment/job. I asked his boss/landlord where he was. Boss said “he was in jail, but this guy is his friend. He might know where he is”. I finally talk to him on the phone and he says he’s fine. 1 month later, I get the phone call that he is homeless, living in an abandoned house. I didn’t want him coming to live with me and my husband. My husband talked me into it.

Here we are, 4 years later. He and his dog are still living with us. He uses my vehicle to get around. He thinks he owns part of this house. He does so much shit that pisses me off. He forgot to grow up…he’s petty. I’m pretty sure he’s bipolar. He refuses to get mental help. He refuses to get a real job (he’s a talented welder and here he could make $24-$28/hr to start.) He says he doesn’t want to do that anymore. He’s now a car detailer making $12/hr with no benefits. He has no health insurance. He complains that he feels really sick or hurt something – I just look at him, like wtf am I supposed to do? He does help around the house and helps pay some of the groceries. He complains every day about his childhood, and his adulthood. How everybody is an asshole. He needs constant attention and his ego stroked. You always have to say how great he is that he did something…like it’s a big fn deal.

I’m getting really tired of him. You can’t give him constructive criticism. He doesn’t listen on how to improve his life and attitude. I keep trying to get my husband to move to another state. The amount of anxiety he causes me is bad. I shouldn’t live like this and we are enabling him, but he is the best manipulator in the world.

I had to get this out. There is so much more, but I had to start somewhere.

Thank you for reading!!

Medicare…

WTF?

Medicare…HELP!! Since I’m on SSDI, I am being forced to get Medicare. Sounds great, right? It will be cheaper than what I’m paying for private insurance, right? That would be a big nope.

Yes, my premiums will be lower, however, I have Stage 4 cancer and I’m taking a Tier 5 prescription. The first month co-pay will be something like $2000, then every month after that will be $500.

The deductible ranges anywhere from $4900 to $7500 for medical.

On private insurance, for both my husband and I, we’re paying $1800 a month, with a $7500 deductible on medical. My prescription is paid 100% after a $500 deductible on prescriptions.

This is horrible. I don’t know how I’m supposed to afford this. I won’t qualify for co-pay assist because I will have Medicare Part D.

I’m 49yo and don’t understand this bullshit. I’m almost thinking I should get off SSDI and just push through feeling like shit at a job.

This weighs heavily on me and I don’t know how people do this. I’m going to find a Medicare specialist that can explain this to me, but they are only doing telephone help and I don’t like that. Yes, I have phone anxiety.

Anyway, if anyone has any insight, please leave a comment.

And 3 More Months…

Yes, a little naughty…and my first Tik-Tok

I had my brain MRI yesterday and my PET-CT today. Brain is clear and my cancer is still stable!! Whoot, whoot!!

The Tik-Tok platform: yes, I’m old, but I’m addicted to that app. I don’t know what I’m going to do with it when it comes to me, but I’ll try to make it fun.

I’m a little tired and not really feeling like writing tonight. I just wanted to put my good news out there.

I will officially be stable for 2 years next month!!

Anxiety Ridden…

Anxiety!! As far back as I can remember, I’ve been plagued with anxiety. Anxiety over schoolwork, getting to school on time, making sure my friends were happy. And those were from when I was a kid.

Anxiety from when I was a teen: worried I’d never have a boyfriend, worried about getting caught at a party, worrying I wouldn’t have a ride home, worried about dying in a car accident, worried about passing my classes, worried about what the he’ll I was going to do after I graduated.

Anxiety now: wondering what everybody wants to eat, trying to find gifts for holidays, not having money because my husband still doesn’t have a job, worried about my parents who have no money and have health problems and the live 1800 miles away, my brother still being homeless living with us 4 years later, my husband and brother not all liking each other, my brother being an asshole manipulator with bipolar and possibly schizophrenic, my pup who had a vestibular disease episode a month ago, my pup getting to where he may have to be put down, always worried if everyone is happy.

It’s getting old…I’m getting old quicker. One thing I don’t worry about much is my cancer. It’s there, like my leg…it’s constant, like my heartbeat, but I don’t worry about it.

I am on anti-anxiety medications and I just had the dosage increased. Oh, how I’d like to have Ativan or Xanax, but I like them, maybe too much.

This post probably makes no sense, but I’m doing more of a data dump because my anxiety is so bad today, I want to run out of my house and disappear.

Not much…

My baby boy, Mickey, had a vestibular episode. It was downright scary. His symptoms were walking/falling like he was drunk, leaning up against walls, walking in circles and he had nystagmus (eyes were rapidly flicking from side to side). I thought he was done. I took him to the vet and he was hospitalized for 3 days. I brought him home and he continues to get better. He was on Meclazine (people version is Bonine for sea sickness). I’m happy he’s home and he truly is getting better; however, his other problem, laryngeal paralysis is getting worse. I’m not ready to let him go.

I also received my 1st Covid shot…I got the Pfizer. I was happy I could choose. I wanted Pfizer, as their targeted therapy is currently keeping me alive. I’m not 100% sure I had side effects because the same day I had the vaccine, I had dental surgery under anesthesia. I was tired and grumpy for a few days.. I get my 2nd on March 30th. I can’t wait for this to be over.. I’m done with it..

My mom is having a health problem. They believe she has temporal arteritis. They put her on 80mg of Prednisone. She is not doing well on that much steroid. The problem is where she lives in Florida, there doctors aren’t the best. It’s taken her a month to get in to see a rheumatologist. I told my dad to take her to the Mayo clinic, but they are worried about insurance covering it.

I want to go see them, but Covid. In order to fly, you have to have a negative test within 3 days of flying. That’s not all that easy to do.

My husband is still having a hard time finding a job. He’s putting applications in every other day. I’m depressed and incredibly worried about this.

Well, that’s about all o have for now. I do have my next PET scan and MRI in Aptil, so I’m sure I’ll post those results here.

Hope everyone is doing well and thank you for reading.❤❤❤

9th PET Scan

Yes, yes, yes!!! 19 months stable!! Woo-hoo! I am very thrilled with this news. My targeted therapy is still working. Thank you Pfizer! Thank you insurance for approving and paying for it.

I had a couple of friends from my Facebook support group passed away recently. Some were years out from their diagnosis and they didn’t pass from Covid. They passed from their cancer. It’s incredibly sad how some live and some die. Makes me count my blessings and pray harder for those suffering.

I feel like I have a lot to write about, but honestly not feeling like typing it out. Hopefully, I will be inspired later.

Thank you for reading and I’m keeping you in my thoughts.❤❤